


Mixed Tapes

by SkazuhiraMiller



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: 40 year old war criminals acting like 12 y/os, Comedy, Entirely too many mentions of taint, Fluff, Kaz as the embodiment of "Thanks! I hate it!", Kaz gets Revenge But Not Like That, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Soundclown? in my 1980s? it's more likely than you think, Vkaz Week 2017, dad jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 22:13:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12308889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkazuhiraMiller/pseuds/SkazuhiraMiller
Summary: Venom makes Kaz mixtapes from the songs he finds in the field.When Kaz finds out that someone's been messing with them, well.  You know him. He's hellbent on revenge.





	Mixed Tapes

**Author's Note:**

> Done and submitted late for VKaz Week 2017 Day 4- "Caught Red-handed"  
> [Playlist of all the Original Songs that are mentioned in this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQ5_QxwFjNI&list=PLXMY1AhbBaijTgx4UR2he-7iyZpAP_UFJ)  
> Links to all the edited versions that I know exist:  
> [ \- Working as a Waitress In a Cocktail Bar](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_74N7KJmEj4)  
> [ \- TAINTed Love](http://skazuhira.tumblr.com/post/165680664232/soft-cell-tainted-love-taintier-mix)  
> [ \- Tom Control to Major Tom](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4288V_69r_4)  
> [ \- Our House ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k55FYtqtXXU)  
> Update: 1/15/18: My friend Owllight has created THIS ABOMINATION after reading-- [Take On Me, Blue Balls Edition ](https://soundcloud.com/owl_light/take-on-me-blue-balls-edition)
> 
> You should probably be thankful i made up the rest of those...

“I _bless_ the rains down in Africa? What did they do, Miller, sneeze?” Ocelot laughed.

“What do _you_ think he’s saying then if you’re so fucking smart?” Kaz shot back. Why did he have to fight him on every single thing? They were _supposed_ to be supporting the Boss on his mission.

“I _miss_ the rains down in Africa, obviously,” Ocelot said, completely confident in his interpretation. “Maybe you should have medical check your ears.”

“ _Maybe you should have medical check your ears_ ,” Kaz said back in a high pitched tone as he reached for the button on his radio. “I’m gonna settle this.” He pressed the button. The indicator light flashed to life.“Snake? Can you… settle something for us?”

A muffled laugh came back over the receiver. “It’s Ocelot’s turn to do the dishes if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Very funny, Boss,” said Kaz. He cleared his throat and continued, “You know that song, Africa, by Toto, right?”

“Of course I do. One of my favorites.”

“You know in the chorus? Right after they say ‘There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do’? What do they say after that? I think they’re saying ‘I bless the rains down in Africa’ but Ocelot thinks it’s ‘I miss the rains down in Africa.’ What do you think, Boss?”

“I.. I always thought they said ‘I guess it rains down in Africa…” came Venom Snake’s voice over the radio. Fortunately for Venom, Kaz had taken his finger off the radio button so he didn’t hear Ocelot’s cackling.

“I _GUESS_ IT RAINS. I mean, speaking in a _technical sense_ ,” Ocelot wheezed. “That Snake... He sure is something, huh? God… I GUESS!”

Kaz laughed with Ocelot. But in his honest opinion? It was kinda cute that Boss heard it that way. He smiled as he said “Well, thanks anyway,” into the receiver. He turned it off again.

“I guess there’s only one way to settle this. I have that song on cassette in my quarters. We can check.”  

Ocelot nodded. “Uh huh. Are you prepared to be _wrong_ ?”

“Are _you_?”

* * *

Kaz moved the final paper from his “To-Do” pile to his “Done” pile. Finally. As much as he wanted to settle this once and for all, the requests had really piled up in the past few days and he’d promised himself he wouldn’t rest until they were all done.  It was dark out when he stopped by the mess hall to pick up a late dinner. Venom’s words still echoed in his head.

“Kaz if you ‘forget’ to eat again I swear I’ll assign one of the staff to follow you around and make sure you eat,” he had said after Kaz admitted, yet again, to skipping dinner. As nice as a personal food assistant sounded, he wouldn’t allow it. He’d be damned if he needed help with _food_ of all things.

Kaz arrived in his quarters. He set down the napkin-wrapped cookie one of the mess hall staff members had slid into his hand with a smile “for a hard day’s work, Commander” on his bedside table. He found his Walkman in a drawer and left it on the bed. He browsed through his carefully-organized collection of cassette tapes to find what he was looking for. He removed the tape from its casing and squinted at it to make sure he had the right side. He put his cane aside, sat down on the bed, and inserted the tape. Clicked the player closed. Pressed the play button. Put on the headphones. The reckoning was upon him.  Impatient, he held down fast-forward. Shit. Overshot it. He sighed and waited for the next chorus.

“ _It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you_  
_There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do  
__I_ **_miss_ ** _the rains down in Africa”_

Son of a _bitch_. The old bastard was right. Resigned, he took off the headphones and swapped them out for his dessert on the table. He bit into the cookie. It was sweet. Almost as sweet as Ocelot’s damn victory.

 

* * *

 

“So,” Ocelot said, leaning uncomfortably close to Kaz’s face, “what’s the _verdict_ , Miller?”

Had it not been for the professional setting of the comms room, Kaz would’ve been happy to smack the smirk right off Ocelot’s face. He knitted his brows, leaned away, and looked down.

“It’s ‘I miss the rains,’” he said, voice quiet. 

Ocelot’s voice was pompous. “Ha! Guess _I_ was right all along.”

“Congratulations. I’ll be sure to put that down on your letter of recommendation for the karaoke transcription factory.”

“A little bit of a sore loser, now, aren’t we, Miller?”

Kaz made a point out of putting on his support headset. See, asshole? I’m not listening and I’m sure as hell not looking at your smug face. He began to speak into the microphone to V, checking in and scribbling down notes regarding the changes in the mission status.

“Hmm. Target’s being an evasive little shit, huh Boss?”

V chuckled. “Yup. We’ve lost all traces of him. Back to square one on progress.”

Kaz exhaled a little bit too deeply. “So you won’t be back for another week at least, then.” Damn. He’d already been out there for two weeks.

“Not if my boys in red can help it,” Ocelot butted in, a sly grin crossing his lips. He’d been standing taller and talking faster ever since the Boss assigned a bunch of his old unit to Intel. They wore matching red berets and everything. A little cheesy, in Kaz’s honest opinion, but they hadn’t led Diamond Dogs astray yet with their intel work. “In fact, I heard Biting Ocelot’s got a lead that could take us somewhere on this target.” Oh. And they were all named Something Ocelot. At least he didn’t make them all wear stupid cowboy boots. Kaz could’ve sworn they all do that fucking finger gun gesture at each other instead of saluting.   

“I’m sure the kitty committee will pull through,” Snake said. They had better. This target was essential to sealing this deal Miller had spent the better part of the past month chasing down. Diamond Dogs was poised to make the most money they had since that one time in ‘82 that he and Ocelot promised to never speak about. They _may_ have ripped off a drug kingpin to the tune of his entire fortune. Or they may not have. Snake was awake now and Kaz, for one, completely respected his wishes regarding bold-faced scamming. He had an _image_ to uphold, after all.

“Well, Boss, if you need anything we’ll be on standby. Stay safe out there.” Kaz said.

“I will.” Kaz heard the sound of fumbling with the iDroid and then the barking of a dog. “DD says he will too.” Boss was lucky he had that dog to keep him company. All Kaz had was a cat who was smirking now.

“What?” Kaz waited for whatever bullshit quip Ocelot had prepared.

“I saw that. I saw that smile. You thought that was _adorable_.

“Are you saying it _wasn’t_?” Fuck you. You’re a dog person too.

Ocelot nodded. “I trained him well.”

Miller cocked his head. “Boss or DD?”

Ocelot’s eyes widened. Got him. Kaz wasn’t sure what Ocelot thought that even _meant_ but he’d take it.

 

* * *

 

Miller sat on his bed, running possibilities over. He settled on threatening to move them all to their new quarters, in the wildcat section of the conservation platform, where they belonged, if they didn’t come up with something soon. _Them_ being those communist fucks Ocelot _swore_ by. It had been a week. Their prior projections said it wouldn’t take anywhere _near_ this long. He pushed aside all the plans swirling around at Mach 1 to think of what to say to Venom. Probably some standard thing about morale on base and how the men miss their boss. Definitely not any subtext about their commander. Nope. He’s doing just fine.

Just fine. He grabbed the walkman and tape case off his bedside table. The label on the tape read “Kazsette #1” in the Boss’s near-illegible handwriting. _Kazsette_ . Christ. Honestly he wasn’t even sure Snake was a _real person_ sometimes. Kaz had been waiting on the Command Platform. He had watched as the helicopter landed and his boss disembarked. And then almost knocked Kaz over but caught and steadied him in a tight embrace.

“Kaz… missed you… a lot…” he had said, into Kaz’s neck. Kaz felt Snake’s good hand slide lower.

“Boss-” he hissed. It had been a long time but really? everyone was right there. “What are you-”

He had replaced his hand on the small of Kaz’s back before he could finish his protest. “I hope you like it,” he’d said before letting his embarrassed subcommander go. What was he talking about?

On his way back inside Kaz had felt something in his coat pocket brushing against his leg. He had reached inside and found his hand on a tape. He pulled it out and read the label.

“Are you kidding me?” Oh. That was out loud. He had drawn the gazes of a few posted soldiers. Kaz spotted the glint of a single eye from behind a nearby crate and heard low chortling. God, had he been waiting there the whole time?

“I find a lot of music in the field. Figured I should put some songs together for you.”

“Aww, you stole all these songs from some poor fucks you knocked out? Just for me?”

Venom had looked down. “Yeah.”

Kaz had given him a genuine smile. “Thanks, Boss. I’ll listen and tell you what I think.”

So that’s how he was sitting there during another one of Venom’s long absences with his headphones on listening to that cassette with the awful name. No. It was _not_ endearing. He laid back on the bed as the synthy intro to Tainted Love by Soft Cell started. The bouncy synthpop songs wouldn’t have been Kaz’s first choice, but Venom loved them and seemed to find a bunch on his adventures. The songs grew on him after a while. They were catchy, and in his mind’s eye Kaz could see Venom serenely humming along to the choruses. Ok. So it _was_ endearing. As he drowned out his anxious thoughts he realized just how exhausted he was. He was asleep halfway through the second verse.

Kaz woke up with a start. The headphones were still on. It sounded like “Don’t You Want Me” by the Human League was on. That was the last song on the first side. But. Hold on just one _fucking_ second.

 _You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar._  
_A cocktail bar._  
_You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar.  
_ _Working in a cocktail bar._

Wow. Kaz sat up. This was by far the stupidest dream he’d had in a while. Really? Taking one line from a song and repeating it to be all the words? He had to hand it to his subconscious though. The voice was properly pitched to the tune of the words. Artificial sounding though. Almost like. No. Kaz looked down. His left leg ended at the knee and his right arm wasn’t there. This was definitely real life. Either the mess hall staff had put something funky in his dinner or. Or. Some _bastard_ had fucked with his Kazsette #1. There was really only one way to find out. He waited. This was the _worst._ It really was _every fucking line_. And there it was. The female vocals came in.

 _I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar_  
_That much is true_  
_I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar  
__I guess it’s just what I must do_  

Yup. Whoever it was had done a hell of a job. His finger hovered over the rewind button. Did he dare witness the horrors of whatever it was they’d done to the rest of the tape?

He had to. He clicked down rewind. The Walkman whirred as the reels spun the tape back to the beginning. Tainted Love started back up. Sounded normal so far, just like he remembered falling asleep to. First chorus, checked out. Second verse. Hold the fuck up.

 _Now I know I’ve got to---_  
_Run away_  
_I’ve got to_  
**_Taint_** _away_  
_You don’t really want any_ **_taint_ ** _from me_  
_To make things right_  
_You need someone  
__To hold your_ **_taint_**

Oh, so maybe it was Eli. Because whoever did this was probably _12 years old_. Eli- or whoever- had even gone to the trouble of extending some of the vocals to fill the gaps. God.

 _This taint---- you’ve given_  
_I’ve given all a boy can give you_  
_Take my_ **_taint_ ** _and that’s not nearly a-all_  
_Taint------- woahohhhh_  
_Don’t touch me TAINT ---_ What is this, a pirate?  
_I cannot stand the way you TEASE_

Kaz took his mind off the juvenile excuse for “humor” to remember what song was next. Right. The Beatles. Sometimes V found some older fare, which Kaz appreciated. The piano intro to Let It Be started. It. Kept going. It’s been at least 30 seconds now. 45. A minute. Finally, John Lennon’s voice cut in.

 _When I find myself in times of mother,_  
_Mother mother comes to me_  
_Speaking words of mother_  
_Comes to me…_  
_And in my hour of mother_  
_She is mother front of me_  
_Speaking words of mother  
_ _Comes to me…_

He had to hand it to them, this one sounded pretty natural and still captured the atmosphere of the song despite the utter stupidity of the edit.

 _And when the mother hearted_  
_Mother living in the world agree_  
_There will be a mother  
_ _Comes to me…_

The next song was more recent pop. Come on Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Kaz liked the instrumentals and the lyrics reminded him of himself when he was younger. He was a minute in and it was completely normal. Not a single note out of place. Maybe Tape Wrecker didn’t have any clever ideas for this one. He was almost disappointed. Almost.

 _Now I must say more than ever_  
_(come on Eileen!)_  
_Too rah, Loo rah_  
_Too rah, Loo rah_  
_Too rah, Loo rah_ \- There it was.  
_Too rah, Loo rah_ \- how long could this possibly go on? The vocals were getting higher in pitch with each repetition the same way the original was. _Why_ . The whole thing flowed _way_ too well. Kaz lost count of the too rahs but there were a _lot_ and it was _not okay._

The next song was Bowie. V knew how much Kaz loved David Bowie and managed to hunt down two tracks, which were both on this tape. This side had Modern Love. Kaz swallowed. He accepted that he wasn’t prepared for whatever they did to this song. This one was also pretty normal so far.

 _But I never wave bye-bye._  
_But I try. Church time._            Oh no. 

_Church on time_  
_Never gonna fall for_  
_Church on time_  
_Walks beside me_  
_Church on time  
_ _Gets me to the church on time_

 _Church on time_  
_Terrifies me_  
_Church on time_  
_Makes me party_  
_Church on time_  
_Puts my trust in church on tiiiiiiime_  
_Church on time_  
_No confessions_  
_Church on time_  
_No religion_  
_Church on time  
_ _Don’t believe in church on tiiiiime_

That son of a bitch had gone too far. The whole rest of the song was like that too. If he hadn’t known better he’d mistake it for some weird, misguided Christian propaganda. The other edits? Whatever. But coming after Bowie like this? This was personal now. The next song he knew was. Well. Could he really even call it “Don’t You Want Me” if that phrase was no longer in the song?

He clicked open the Walkman and removed the tape. Flipped it over. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for whatever was going to be on Side B. The first track on Side B was from Blondie. Heart of Glass. This one cut straight to the chase in the first verse.

 _Once I had a love,_  
_And it was an ass_  
_Soon turned out_  
_Had a heart of ass  
_ _Seemed like the real thing, only behi-i-nd_

Kaz was not about to listen to the Blondie version of Tainted Love: Taint Edit. That’s where he drew the line. He pressed fast forward. Landed in the middle of the final “wooooh, woaahs.” That was fine. The next song faded in. Take on Me by A-ha. One of Venom’s favorites. Sometimes Kaz had heard the song coming from the helicopter when he returned to Mother Base.

He was pretty sure the intro wasn’t originally this long.

He was _definitely_ sure the intro wasn’t this long. But that plucky synth just kept going. The fake build up that never paid off. If Kaz cared enough to get a pen he’d put this down on the track list as “Take On Me: Blue Balls Edition.”   

Elton John was up next. Rocket Man. He listened to the beginning piano notes.

 _She packed my bags last night, pre-flight._  …. Alright  
_She packed my bags. Last night. Pre-flight_  ……………..goddammit  
_She packed my baaaaaaaaaaaaags Lastnightpreflight._ …. They hit all the fucking notes too.

Every last line right on down to the chorus was some variation on that line and it was all perfectly pitched. Who had the _time_ to do this?

Kaz’s stomach felt heavy. The next song was the other Bowie song, Space Oddity. They really didn’t hold back either. Got to the point right away.

 _Tom control to Major Tom._    
_Tom control to Major Tom._  
_Take your tom pills and put your helmet Tom_  
_Tom control to Major Tom_  
_Commencing Countdown Engines, Tom  
__Check Tom and may Tom’s love be with you_

Kaz’s only solace is that there was only one more song on this monstrosity. Our House by Madness. He honestly preferred Madness’s older work, but this was good too. Nothing seemed out of place in the intro.

 _Father wears his Sunday best_  
_Mother’s tired, she needs a rest_  
_The kids are playing up downstairs_  
_Sister’s sighing in her sleep_  
_Brother’s got a date to keep_  
_He can’t hang around_  
_Our house_  
_In the middle of our House_ \- Mother _fucker_  
_Our house_  
_In the middle of our house_  
_Our house  
__In the middle of our house_ \- It sounded _perfect_ too. Kaz’s hand twitched. But some masochistic urge from deep within kept him there through all 5 minutes and 54 seconds of it. He was pretty sure the original was nowhere near that long. He took off the headphones and put the cassette player on the table. That night he dreamt of walking to his childhood home and opening the door only to find himself in front of another, identical door, and opening that, to find yet another door.

He almost threw his pillow across the room when he woke up and realized. In the middle of our house. His morning coffee only made him angrier, speeding up his thoughts as he made his way across the platform to his office. Who could’ve done this? Who _would’ve_ done this? Especially at a time like this when-  

“Good morning, Commander!” Dastardly Swan’s voice was almost as bright as the _fucking_ sun was this clear morning. Swan was one of the best guys on the Support team though, and had proved invaluable on a lot of close calls.

For him, Kaz mustered a nod and the least hostile “Morning” he could manage. As Swan turned to walk away, Kaz found himself adding, “Wait.”

“Sir?”

“Could you do me a favor and keep an eye on my quarters when I’m not around? I had… something stolen recently.”

“Oh, something expensive?”

“No. Something…. Sentimental. But it doesn’t really matter what it was. Nobody should be stealing from the XO of Diamond Dogs.”

“Agreed. Can I-?”

“If you want help, ask Crimson Echidna and Angry Weasel. I trust them. Watch doesn’t have to be constant either, just be on the lookout for suspicious activity.”

“Will do, sir.”  

 

* * *

 

Kaz glanced at the clock on his office wall. Fuck. It was almost 3. He grabbed his crutch and forced himself to stand up. Venom would want him to take this lunch break. So he made his way to the mess hall. There were a few Diamond Dogs milling about and also taking late lunches. He waited as the kitchen staff scooped mashed potatoes, green beans, and roasted chicken onto his tray. The guy with the ladle turned his head and called out “Serval!” The woman who had been doing dishes looked up and put down her plate. She walked over to grab Kaz’s tray.

“Commander,” she said with a polite smile. Kaz nodded. He wasn’t a fan of people carrying his food for him, but what was he gonna do? They approached an empty table. Most of them were empty at this time of day.

“Here is fine.” Serval put down the tray, making sure not to spill the cup of water. “Thanks,” he added. Kaz speared a green bean with his fork as he heard an all-too familiar sound. The jingle of spurs. He whirled around to see a member of Diamond Dogs’ new cavalry unit- _oh wait, we don’t have one of those._ Ocelot slammed his tray down across from Kaz. He appeared to have eschewed the normal menu in favor of an entire tray of cornbread. He offered a piece to Kaz.

“Want some cornbread?” Kaz raised an eyebrow but allowed him to place a square of it on his plate.

“Did you put laxatives in this or something?” He watched Ocelot take a bite out of his own bread. “Don’t worry… I’ve got Ex-Lax resistance training,” Kaz drawled in his best Ocelot voice.

Ocelot stifled a laugh.“No, I just thought our Commander could use a nice snack after what happened…”

“What are you talking about?”

“Word around base is that someone broke into your quarters and stole your framed portrait of the Boss”

“I do _not_ have a framed portrait of the Boss!”

“Course ya don’t. Because someone stole it.”

Kaz put it all together. “I should’ve known better than to confide in _Swan_.”

Ocelot smirked. “So it’s _true_?”

“For fuck’s sake. No. All I said was something _sentimental_ was stolen from my quarters.”

“Your very first 500 yen note you made?”

Kaz rolled his eyes. “Don’t you have some recruits to be a pompous windbag at?”

“Alright, alright.” He stood up and took his tray. “But seriously. Laxative resistance training was a _mistake_ .” Ocelot’s eyes got distant. “Never forget… Shit-tember ‘72…” And with that _wonderful_ lunchtime mental image, Ocelot was gone. Come to think of it, he probably knew something that might help Kaz figure out who did this. But Kaz wouldn’t ask him. He wouldn’t stoop so low.  He had to give it to Ocelot though. The cornbread was amazing- buttery and crumbly and perfect with the mashed potatoes.

 

* * *

 

It had been three more days. One of the Ocelots apparently had some a lead on the target, finally. Meanwhile, Kaz was mulling over the proposal on his desk. Put up posters of DD around base to boost morale. It _was_ on brand considering Diamond Dogs’ name. And he had to admit it was definitely better than those idol posters. But was it a good investment of Diamond Dogs’ money? He heard a knock at his office door.

“Come in,” he said, absentminded. The door opened. Kaz looked up.

“Boss? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back today? I would’ve seen you in.” No one tells him _anything_ these days…

Venom had already walked around the desk. He turned Kaz’s swivel chair to face him, pushed back his beret, and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. “So I can do this.” Okay, so _maybe_ that was a good reason. Venom wrapped his arms around Kaz and gently lifted him up. He spun him around once before pulling him into a drawn-out kiss. Venom smelled like soap and home.

“Welcome back, Boss.”

“Good to be back, Kaz.” They stood for a while not letting go of each other. Finally, Venom pulled back, making sure Kaz was steady. He reached into his pocket. “I brought you something.” He placed a cassette on Kaz’s desk. _Kazsette #2_. Oh. Kaz’s smile disappeared.

Venom looked at the floor. “If you… didn’t like the tapes it’s ok, it’s-”

“No I _love_ the tapes, Snake… I was actually listening to the first one last night to help me relax. But that’s the problem. Someone… edited your- _our_ tape.”

“Edited?”

“Yeah. They must have stolen it and returned it after they fucked with all the songs.”

“What happened?”

“They… changed the lyrics. Real juvenile stuff. You know, made Tainted Love say ‘taint’ a lot… made all the words to Don’t You Want me ‘Working as a waitress in a cocktail bar…’ That kind of thing. I’m not even sure how they did it.”  Venom made a noise. “Wait a second, are you seriously-” Venom _was_ seriously trying not to laugh. God, what was he, 5?

“What? _Take my taint and that’s not nearly all-_ That’s not funny, Kaz?”

Kaz looked away. “Not when it’s ruining one of the only things I have that’s all… _you_ ...  while you’re gone and I don’t know when you’re coming back.” _God,_ that came out sappier than he intended.

Venom smiled as he placed his good hand on Kaz’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I can make you another one.”

“I’m going to find whoever did this and make them regret it.”  

Venom slid his hand over to play with Kaz’s hair, “You know best, _Commander_.” He gestured to the tape, still sitting on the desk. “Why don’t you give it a listen? I have a few extra minutes.”

Kaz nodded. “Alright.” He clicked open the tape slot on the boom box on a nearby shelf, grabbed the tape, and put it in. He pressed Play. He heard the intro to Africa by Toto.

“You know, because-” Kaz nodded. Honestly? He was still a little bit pissed about that incident but he’d listen, for Venom. He motioned for Venom to sit down. Venom took a seat on the desk and Kaz returned to his chair. They enjoyed each others’ presence until the chorus hit.

“ _It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you_

_There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do_

_I_ **_bless_ ** _the rains down in Africa”_

“That communist _bastard_!” Kaz blurted out.

Venom's eye widened, concerned, “What?”

“It was Ocelot! He edited my Africa tape so it would say _miss_ instead of _bless_ and I’m willing to bet money he edited that mix tape too.”

“You sure are good at this, Detective Miller,” Venom said, unable to keep a straight face. “Speaking of Ocelot… I wanted to show you this other song I found that I didn’t put on your tape but… you oughta hear before I go.” He produced another tape from his pocket that said “Vandals” on it and had a picture of a rifle on it. “Second track, side A. Song’s called ‘Urban Struggle.’”

Kaz switched out the tapes and skipped 2 minutes in. It started out like that one famous song from _The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly_ . Then came a voice doing a drawl as fake as Ocelot’s.

 _I want to be a cowboy_  
_Goin’ to be a cowboy_  
_I’m born to be a cowboy  
_ _I want to be a cowboy_

Holy shit. The instrumentals were… a punk rock take on country. But the chorus. Kaz couldn’t not laugh.

 _Cowboy look is the one I sought_  
_Can’t change now ‘cause the clothes are bought_  
_Bein’ a true cowboy was my fate  
__I can’t help it if I was born late!_  

“Boss, you’re brilliant.”

“Huh?”

“We’re going to replace all of Ocelot’s tapes with just _this song_ on repeat.  Not all at once, either. Slowly. Beat him at his own game.”

Venom chuckled. “I’ll consider it.”

 

***

 

Kaz retired to his quarters. It had been two days since he placed Kazsette #2 atop his dresser. He flipped the light switch. The tape was no longer there. The game was afoot.

Later, in his office, Kaz’s iDroid flashed to life. A text from Venom. It read

“come to platform f. your gonna want to see this.”

Kaz’s heart rate shot up. This was it. He got outside as fast as his foot could take him. Someone-- he squinted -- ah, Danger Worm, was parking a Jeep.

“Worm” he said, using his Authoritative Commander voice

“Commander!”

“I need that vehicle.”

“But sir-”

“I have urgent business on Platform Foxtrot. If you won’t drive me there I’ll do it myself.” Worm sighed, and Kaz knew he was looking at the face of a defeated man. Worm offered his hand but Kaz managed to get into the passenger seat without too much trouble. His heart was pounding and he was so excited he didn’t even bother to backseat drive this time.

They arrived at platform F. As Kaz disembarked, the sunlit glare off of an unmistakable raised red metal hand caught his eye. He met up with Venom behind the large shipping container where he was hidden.

“Good. You made it. I’ve been watching Ocelot all day. I saw him go into that door over there,” he pointed, “labeled 205. With my listening device it sounds like there’s music.”

Sure enough, it sounded like there was music. And the muffled sound of Ocelot and … was that Quiet? laughing. Venom gave Kaz’s hand a squeeze before he turned the door handle. Before he could do anything, Kaz kicked the door open with his prosthetic leg. The door slammed open against the wall and _there they were_. Ocelot and Quiet froze as they turned to look at the noise. They were sitting at a table huddled over some sort of device that had a bunch of buttons and slots for tapes.

 _“You spin me right round, baby, right round_  
_Like a record baby, right round, right round,  
_ _Baby right round, right round, baby, right round,”_

said the device before Ocelot hit a button and stopped the sound, mortified. That was track 3 on side A of Kazsette #2. Kaz had them right where he wanted them.

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves the tape thieves,” he said, voice low with the vindication of someone who just found his cat’s hidden pile of stolen socks. “Got anything to say for yourself, Mr. DJ?”

Ocelot ejected a tape from the device and grabbed another one off the table. He held them out cautiously. “You can have the original tapes back.”

“ _And?”_

“And what?”

“Aren’t you forgetting another edit you did?”

Ocelot gave him only a blank stare before realizing. “Oh. That.” He took a deep breath. Closed his eyes. Opened them. His voice was quiet, and fast. “I was wrong and I edited your tape to say _I miss the rains_ instead of _I bless the rains_.”

Quiet exchanged an incredulous look with Venom, like _Can you believe these two?_ Venom shook his head. _No, I cannot believe these two._

“And? Why not a little bit louder so our nice boss can hear?”

Ocelot sighed. “You were _right._ ” This was better than any apology could ever be.

“I will hand it to you guys, some of those edits sounded really good in spite of themselves. Especially,” he swallowed. He did not want to admit this. “Our House. How did you do it?”

“Well. The stealing was easy enough when you have an accomplice with the power to phase,” he nodded to Quiet, who beamed back. “As for the edits themselves, I convinced R&D to make an audio editing device for… intelligence purposes… Which it legitimately has, you can separate out all sorts of frequencies-”

Everyone settled in for a long-winded Ocelot Explanation as Venom reclaimed his- and Kaz’s- tapes, putting them safely in his pockets.

 

* * *

 

Ocelot sat down at the table in the comms room. Him, Kaz, and Venom were gathered to discuss a new venture in Africa that could be highly lucrative. Ocelot hummed a tune under his breath as he organized his intel files. Was that-? It was. The riff to Urban Struggle. Venom and Kaz shared a knowing smile. That fucker was gonna be finding those stupid cowboy song tapes for _weeks_ .

  
  


Fanart of Kaz listening to Our House by my friend, the lovely Owllight! Find him on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/Owllight_) and [here](https://twitter.com/OcelotsNose)  



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